Young Writers Society

Firstly, I think, as PenguinAttack pointed out, you let yourself down with much of your rhyming scheme.
The most obvious example of course is:

Gaze upon the sheep of Earth
None of which have names.
All numbered to be counted
While our leaders slumber, tame

Which really sounds forced and has a pretty choppy flow. If you really want to rhyme, ALWAYS make sure it's natural. There's nothing more important when it comes to rhyming poetry, because a whole poem can be unhinged by cheap rhyming.
I did think a lot of your observations were original and your tone was nice & witty. That really drove your poem. What I thought weakened it was basically the premise - the metaphor of people as sheep. We've heard it a thousand times and I don't think your execution was clever enough to carry it, so I reckon you'd be better off rethinking your concept. The exclamation mark at the end, as was already pointed out, also does nothing for the sincerity of your poem. Try to convey your message in words and imagery and ideas rather than exclamations. Not a bad foundation though, good luck with the drafts!

Gaze upon the sheep of Earth
None of which have names.
All numbered to be counted
While our leaders slumber, tame.

Granted, the image as a whole is rather obvious. However, just because we all know what it is doesn't mean we can't suspend that for a moment. In that same mindset, though, just like we as readers are willing to suspend disbelief, you as a writer should also work to uphold the illusion. Hence, saying something like "our leaders" breaks the illusion because "we" are pretending that "we" are not the sheep for a moment. The sheep are still, in our minds, some distant "they", so the leaders shouldn't be "ours", they should be "theirs."

Er, "While our leaders slumber, tame" --> "While their leaders slumber, tame" would be better.

It's hard, however, to believe that you're really talking about sheep here. Words like "herd" in the second stanza are good, because that is a good association with sheep, but things that come after, like "learning" and "imbeciles" and "feel" and "blasphemy" and "penalty", etc. are such human-associated words that it's hard to get into the mindset, even for a minute, that the poem functions on one level (a poem about sheep) instead of two (a poem about sheep representing humans).

I didn't like ending with an exclamation mark one bit. It seemed trite, and there wasn't much in the way of language to warrant the use of it. The idea, even, of the last line, is too sudden, and to end it with an exclamation mark just gives the complete wrong feel.

A good exercise, if nothing else, might be to stop writing what you think poetry should sound like (esp. lines beginning with "for") and just write about sheep being herded. Something back to basics.

Ka Seven wrote:Gaze upon the sheep of Earth
None of which have names. I think this line could be altered to fit into the structure of the poem. Perhaps re-arraange the words a little?
All numbered to be counted
While our leaders slumber, tame. This is super.

They all have judging farmers
To herd them through a door.
Within which a wall is built Not sure about this.
To stop them from learning more. Perhaps to fit in with the flow a little, you could cut out the "from".

Rendering them imbeciles,
They line them up against the wall. Cut out "the".
How many have been shaved,
And made to feel they're small? Not sure about these two lines.

Where one sheep goes, the others follow,
For this is what they're taught.
To step out of line is blasphemy,
For which a penalty is sought

They all think the same,
For that is all they know. These two lines are out of place in flowing terms.
But the time has come to change this.
All the sheep must become wolves!

These last two lines stumped me a little. In fact, the whole of the last verse stumped me. Perhaps you could study over this, for you do have a good idea here, it's just not written in the best of ways.

Super work!
Ginge.

Ka Seven wrote:While our leaders slumber tame.

Here you lose the stanza. "Leaders slumber tame" isn't clear. While I understand what you mean, it lacks correct grammar unless you place a comma after "slumber". I think, perhaps, you might even find that the line itself would be better without "slumber" perhaps "grow" or "become" - simple words can have just as much effect as more elaborate ones.

Ka Seven wrote:They all think the same.
For that is all they know.
But the time has come to change this.
All the sheep must become wolves!

Ack! You were going so well, and then you just deviate from your rhyming pattern completely. I suggest going back and fixing it so your line ends in the proper rhyme format, if you wish you can leave a line about the wolves as a seperate ending completely - it would work well.


Hello Ka. ^^

Just a general point first: You need some proper punctuation here. Instead of allowing for some flow, and immediate understanding, you've placed full stops at the end of each line. Put a comma in, or even leave nothing there, and allow for some natural flow to the poem. It would really help.

I like this. It means something and while the metaphor was obvious, it was interesting. I also like your form and the imagery you have. You also use rhyme well. Nice work on that.

I can't wait to see some more from you.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.